Play A New Game
On expectations and arbitrary rankings
Hi friends.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my career path and the decisions I’ve made. From the outside, I probably looked successful. But it doesn’t feel that way. I was (and still am sometimes) being pulled back and forth between what I think I should do versus what I want to do.
A Late Lunch
It was a late lunch. I had a meeting that ran long, and M happened to have a late lunch. So we grabbed a table near the window together.
I don’t remember how it started, but we ended up talking about my (original) turning-30-life-goals. It hit me then and there that I’d never be able to achieve them now that I was only a few months away from turning 30. The list included things like becoming some sort of design leader at a company, being married and having kids. None of them was happening for me.
The moment I said those words out loud, I burst into tears (and thank God no one else was at the cafeteria to witness it, except for my poor friend M). I was mourning the fact that I was late and behind.
But late for what? Behind whom?
Did I really want to be a Design VP? Did I really think marriage was the way for me? Or were they simply something everyone else wanted, and therefore I wanted as well?
Funnily enough, I was convinced that I wanted those things, even though the version of me now doesn’t. In that moment, the ache of never being able to achieve the things I thought were important to me cracked open a quiet curiosity about my own limitation and orientation. I may never be the person I aspired to be on LinkedIn. I may not follow the standard societal timeline. If those were all true, who am I? What do I want?
It’s been almost seven years since that lunch. I still remember the tears rolling down my face uncontrollably, and M looking quite terrified. I barely finished my lunch, crying over something I didn’t truly want, unaware how my life was about to change.
How the Standards Are Set
If you’ve ever applied to universities and graduate schools, you might have heard of the U.S. News & World Report (USNWR). I used it as the golden standard when I was applying for grad schools, because I thought it was a fair and global standard. Until I read Naked Statistics.
For example, one of the heavily weighted variables (20%+) in USNWR is academic reputation, which is determined based on the survey results from administrators at other universities and colleges and high school guidance counsellors. This doesn’t actually have anything to do with the quality of the education, more about the perceived quality and not even from the people who received said education.
So although the single final score / ranking is easy to understand, it doesn’t provide sound rationale for prospective students who are seriously interested in assessing the quality of education they are about to receive.
As for me, I didn’t question the ranking. When I ended up at a school lower on the list, I felt so embarrassed (in a very Asian upbringing way) that I kept telling anyone who asked that they offered a full scholarship. Years passed, what I remember from those two years wasn’t where the school ranked on the list, but how one of my final thesis reviewers would not let me graduate with “an insufficient statistical analysis” in my final thesis. Whenever I need to use stats in my work, that memory always comes to mind. That is what quality education looks like.
Sitting in that cafeteria, I thought I missed the train completely. I never would have thought that one day I’d be working on my own idea (more on this to come). Without the guardrails of what I should do, I’m surprised by how freeing and quiet this whole experience has been. This is the beginning of a new game.
Until next time,
-sam